Friday Night Lights

This is you right now: "What is going on? This is a blog about....snarky chicks snarking out with words & images, not TV and this dumdum show!"

And this is me right now: "get get get get get get getttt over it!"
Every single person in the show is hot (except for one dude who is still hotter than you probably) so whatevahhh! Watch it. Tim Riggins.
Bieeee!
xo,
Lucia

A Look At Christmas Toys: Nintendo - Littlest Pet Shop: Winter

Everyone knows that girls don't like video games. It's just not in their nature -- like fixing cars and voting. But, leave it to our besties at Nintendo to market a game for the gals! May I present, "The Little Pet Shop: Winter" (also available in Jungle and Garden). Finally, the video game manufacters see a market and fill it (that's what she said). Driving and shoot 'em up games are sooo boring! All girls know that. With this game, girls can collect pets, party with their pets, dress up their pets, and play with their pets in games such as "Nut Fest" and "Beats 'n Bops." I'm so glad that Nintendo realizes that little girls only want to accessorize and frolic in winter time pursuits. This is fun with a capital "PH"!

Girl power, for serious, ladies. Get your head out of your bloody vag and into a Nintendo DS! Best of all, that game system comes in metallic pink. Can I handle my shit right now? Obviously not. Make something pink, soft, and give it big eyes -- that's what girls like, right? Let's design some more games for girls. Yeah, let's think like Nintendo executives. My proposals:

1. Single Mommy Time

2. Blow Jobs Are The Only Way He'll Like Me Time

3. Put Pretty Things on Pretty People Time

4. Babies, Clothes, and Shit

5. Balloons!

The lesson here is: I wish I had a kitten...or a baby! Are you listening, Santa? Best, Meg

You Call This a F**kin' Craft Store?

Get your head out of your ass, Mom.

Best, Little Girl

Season's Greetings for the Handicapped in Your Household

My nephew Josh is handi-amazing. He can do anything any other 12-year-old can do -- that is, except use his legs. Which is why in this economic crisis, I am creatively making his Christmas gift with my own hands. Blappity, blap, he keeps complaining that he has to carry his daises and newspapers on his lap. Well, Joshinstein, worry no more! Look at this creative wheelchair accessory I am making you. You will be the coolest kid at the quiet school. And, don't worry Great Aunt Frigid, I'm making one for your walker, too!

Since I cannot pleasure myself, I love keeping my hands busy. So, for those of you who are wondering, hey, I can't afford these new alphabet games and war memorials -- just use your noggin' and get sloggin' on some homemade gifts! Just like the Dutch!

The lesson here is: You don't have to be in a wheelchair to appreciate this gift -- but, it helps. Best, Meg

Get Back to Work!

I don't pay you to be a kid.

Best, Meg

A Look At Christmas Toys: The Amazing McKayla Doll

You are all familiar with my dry uterus. And, if you're not, get used to it! I'm totally Howie Mandeling here -- joking. But when it comes to holiday toys I'm Nelson Mandeling here -- being serious. I've come across an amazing baby doll that I will surely be purchasing for my beautiful triplet nieces, Madison, Britthanie, and Frizzante. The description in the "for sale" section of Toys 'r Us' online store really got me:

"Amazing McKayla is so much fun! She is a very smart doll and knows when she's embraced. McKayla has 7 distinct cries! She cries when she wants a hug, needs to be changed, wants to play, needs to be burped, is tired, is sick, or feels hungry."

Can you mother f'in believe it?! A doll that knows when she is embraced. I wish that my ex-husband Gerard had that ability. Because he was a Grade F minus embracer. And, if you've read my other blog you know that I am a strong supporter of girls in the home. Let them learn the difference between cries now. Once they identify the proper cries, they can mask their own! This is a case of babies teaching babies. Boy, I wish they had this when I was a little girl. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone right now. Oops, my egg timer is going off. Time to take that ham out of the oven and then throw it away. Love boats!

The lesson here is: Buy your little one a product with individual crying action! Best, Meg

A Look At Christmas Toys: Barbie Zoo Doctor

Oh, my shit, Margie, you MUST get thee to a Toys 'R Us. Mattel has just released a new Barbie, "I Can Be... Zoo Doctor" playset. She's got her pink camo short shorts, a canopy over a koala's basket, table made out of a baby giraffe, animal medical files with a rainbow coming out of an elephant's trunk, and lack of a veterinary license. Your little Cassidy is going to flip her training bra over this one. Remember when she said she wouldn't forgive you after you divorced Doug, well now is the time!

Finally, Barbie is being taken seriously in the zoology profession. She can care for as many baby animals as the law allows. And, Barbie can do it in style. High pink boots, yes! Pink stethoscope, yes! Tan half vest, yes! Margie, your little Cassidy is going to go back on Dexatrim if you don't do this for her. Remember in college when we nakedly promised by candlelight to raise our daughters like Eleanor Roosevelt? But, prettier? Now is the time! Barbie is a professional and she will never need a Ken for anything. Oh, to be young, proud, and black.

The lesson here is: Treat your well deserving daughters to a Barbie with a purpose -- to care for baby animals. Best, Meg

Hey, Roy, why are you so gay?

...Oh, right.

The lesson here is: Roy's Mom is a cunt.  Best, Meg

Be Good Looking

Is there anything Wikipedia doesn't know? Facts, figures, charts, graphs, now they can advise you on how to be good looking. From chubby teenager to sparkling debutante with some time on her hands, now the online encyclopedia is working to make you a better person -- on the outside! Boy, I really could have used this advice when I was crying into my pillow in the 7th grade when my "friends" referred to me as "dirty," "ugly," and "undesirable."

Let's break it down according to Wikipedia -- which , in my experience, is never wrong. Apparently, step one to being good looking is being healthy, confident, and a good person. Great! Let me call up my 7th grade self and tell her to eat an apple and volunteer or some shit. My favorite piece of advice is to "Smile." Stupid ugly girls, listen up! You just need to think positively about yourself, brush your hair and put a big fat grin on your face. Get out of those dark corners and fix yourself up the Wiki way. And, read the whole entry. On the bottom there's TIPS, such as "Just be optimistic and things will go great." Yeah! Unattractive people are so negative. I hate them. Thank god I'm good looking.

The lesson here is: Being pretty is better than not. Best, Meg

Chictopia is kinda rad

I was trying to find a dress online...I just destroyed my favorite dress by putting it in the wash by accident...and I came across this site that is like polyvore meets facebook. I think this chick is like Lucia...in 'tude.

'Ello Gov'nur!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Top 'o the mornin' to you. You may ask why I suddenly started writing like a fag, and I will tell you. Topshop is coming to NYC this Fall, bitches! In case you don't know, Topshop is a mix of Forever 21's whimsy, H&M's prices, and the Gap, like, 2 years ago. It's the greatest store ever. Just go to their website. They have British options for clothes. For example, there's a whole category for PLAYSUITS. What the fuck is a playsuit?! (Take a look at the photo on the left, that's a playsuit) They also give you the option of waistcoats. I'm in way over my head.

Topshop is from London and when I was studying abroad there after 9/11 and had no friends, I would spend afternoons trying on all the clothes, and then not buy anything. This was more fun than sitting on my bottom bunk crying into a stained cup of oolong tea, making collages out of postcards and found objects...which is what I did on weekdays. But, Meg, stop feeling sorry for yerself! Get to Topshop! Hey, thanks repressed multiple identity of a tough little girl who fights my battles!

The lesson is: who wants to be my friend? Best, Meg

What's Hot What's Not-Halloween Edition

I wanna talk costume trash...what are the skanks gonna pull this year, how gay will straight guys go in drag, what are the uber intellects gonna try and pull on us at parties....
Sexy American Indian...Ok...but when they call this costume "Pink Indian," my mind just goes to a place...I'm not comfortable with...
This isn't a halloween costume, this is a desperate call for help, because when you buy this in a large online you don't look like this, not even close, yeah you have breasts, and hips and legs and all that, but seriously, get up go over the mirror and try to imagine what those chains across your donut-ponch are really gonna look like, like a fucking brisket. Now go back and be realistic...
Jan: Carla, THAT'S Hilarious...you are TOO much...wait what ARE you...I get the spaghetti and meatballs, too cute...
Carla: I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Jan: What's that?
Carla: It's my religion. I talk to you about it all the time in IM....you didn't catch that?
Jan: ha ha...right...it's a joke right?
Carla: No bitch, I'm a Pastafarian...fuck you, I'm out of here.
Poor Steve, he just doesn't get it year after year.



Joe totally gets it...come here you big lug, you don't have to hang out in the parking lot outside of Sears, get in the car, let's go home and fuck like soldiers back from Nam.


Ok, so I totally derailed, I didn't talk about what's hot or not for costumes, neither did I present any guys in drag, or "clever" costumes, I'm so exhausted right now....ugh and I have to do laundry!! Sunday's are weird........conk.....zzzzzzzzz


-Rylan

You are cordially invited...

...to Megan's Annual White Party! Dust off your white fedora, your white satin shirt, your white jeans...and be prepared to have the time of your life! Everyone who is everyone will be there. DJ Nasty Drawers is spinning that night, so you know you'll hear the finest in crunk and juice. I have been sworn to secrecy, but I hear that Elayne Boosler might even stop by to deliver some yucks! This rad pic was taken at last year's festivities. My Dad looks like he's having the time of his life! N'est pas?

Where else can you find the perfect mix of swizz and slurp? Ninety-percent of my guests got laid last year! That's like Carnivale in Reno (for you sports fans)! What else are you going to do? Read to your children in bed? Visit your cousin in the mental institution? Don't...she'll only throw her feces at you again. Come, come again to Megan's Annual White Party! Your spirit will be glad it did!

The lesson here is: RSVP soon, bitches! Best, meg

Failed Economy = Sick Azz Fashion!!!

There has never been a more perfect time for the economy to suck at whatever it does, 'cause now us kids finally have something to be pissed off about! (...wait, what war are you....talking about...?) And pissed off kids (I'm closer to 30 than 20 but you can shut up, thanks) with no money means one thing:


HOBO FASHION!

Torn pants, shoes with mismatched laces, hats for practical reasons: there is nothing more exhilarating than fashion that exists out of necessity - a true fash emerg.

So exciting!!! Let's hitchhike to San Francisco and start a revolution. I hear the art/party scene there is to-die-for. This recession is going to be superduperfabfab.

...do old people really sometimes eat cat food? That makes me so sad.

xo,
Lucia

GIVE ME 700 BILLION DOLLARS AND I'LL SOLVE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

-RYLAN IS UP IN ARMS

If you're not dressing '90s right now you're an asshole.

That's right, you heard me! If you're living in 2008 right now and you're dressing like it's anytime other than 1990-1999 (i'm kinda lying, shit got stale '97-'99) you're a big asshole and I've got a bone to pick with you.

You're not having enough fun!!! That's my bone. Or that's the picking. Or whatever. 

Look at those gorgeous young thangs above! Do you think any of them ever got in car accidents or got rejected from cornell?! NO! Haven't I taught you anything?! sigh.

Healthy fashion makes for healthy people with healthy lives.

Take note economy buffs!

xo, Lucia

Virtual Dress Up

If you know me, then you know that I am a HUGE Abhishek Bachchan and Rani Mukherji fan. And, if you don't know that, then start paying attention to me, Mom! Anyway, they are a perfect combo, like cream cheese and a bagel, like a penis and a vagina -- classic! You may know Rani from her portrayal of a deaf-blind girl in 2005's "Black" and Abhi from his Punjabi Sikh good looks. Now, you are probably like me. In your head, you're like, what kind of sari would Rani wear today? Is Abhi going to wear a khaki khurta this weekend? I mean, I think about Rani and Abhi more than anything. More than my kids. At least that's what the state said.

Well, fuck that imagination use, because now you can play virtual paper dolls and dress up Rani and Abhi however YOU want! That's right! Not only that, but it's all clothes from my FAV FAV movie, "Bunty aur Babli!" The tale of two ambitious wannabes from small towns whose dreams are written off as outrageously daydreamy. You know the one. We stood all night in line in Jackson Heights to see it. Then we made out on the 7 train and shared a bag of sandesh in the rain.

Even if you don't like Bollywood, you will have fun playing dress up with these gorgeous creatures. Vaudeville is dead and Bollywood 08 is taking its corpse on vacation.

The lesson is: I like the purple pavada with blue salwar kameez. But, don't take my word for it! Let your vision wild n' out! Best, meg

observation

Spring 2002 is the new Fall 2007 this Fall 2008

Me and My Daughter Part One

Do You Know What Love Smells Like?

xo, L

Upper Middle Class doing Upper Middle Class Bullshit

My son Max looooves pesto. My daughter Zoe loooooves fettucini alfredo. This is the predicament I find myself in the Chelsea Whole Foods earlier today. Already bustling around the flower district hunting the perfect peony, I forgot that my husband Steven's business partner, Mark Wholman is joining us, yes the whole team, with kids in tow, for a light late summer meal. Of course I'm excited for them winning their recent business pitch-I just hope Crate and Barrel delivers the Mundial Tile Ramekin in time for the Greek Kasha Salad I have prepared, just for the adults of course! Now here I stand, all 5'5" of me in a loose bun and Ann Taylor separates trying to crawl into the mini sized brains of my two children, Max and Zoe. Like the day someone accidentally created an Arnold Palmer ALPESTO was born! I shuttled all the goodies in my canvas tote to the labratory-a.k.a our kitchen, and began the magic! While mixing and tossing the creamy contents of the Paul Newmans Alfredo and the fresh pesto into a concoction sure to delight-I debated if the name should Pestfredo instead, but Alpesto just rolled off the tongue.
There we all were around the earthen dinner ware at the edge of my new discovery. The plates were passed to the guinea pigs, and drum roll please....they didn't notice! Hallelujia! Their finnicky little stabs at the pasta pile resulted in a 3/4 empty plate-SUCCESS!
No comment is a good comment in my book. Of course Steven laughed at my attempt to be creative and moved the peony arrangement to the other room as he was afraid Mark would be allergic or block his view to him across the table. Finally silenced by the table tennis discusssion of how Steve and Mark nailed the client to the table and bled them of all their worth-"where do you think the mortgage comes from honey?," I could relax, recounting the morning and how with a little extra cash, the day goes pretty smoothly I must say. Ciao!
-Janet

"Grreat, ok now a little more action in the hip...excellent. This is the shot!"

just for fun-Rylan

Mom, Dad....I have something to tell you

Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. Please sit down on the stilleto chair. First, may I refresh your Tequila Slammers? Oops, sorry Mom I got a little on your Elvis slipper...let me get that, hand me one of them playboy cocktail napkins from the holder shaped like two stags in mid fight...thanks Dad.
All these years you've been so good to me. This gorgeous Classic Redman mobile home from Factory Expo, overlooking the new mall. It's fantastic at night, with all the lights, and our cookouts...I know, I know its just mom bringing things back and forth from the microwave to us out there in the front, but it's nice. And geez, Dad you borrowed so many cars from the guys around the neighborhood to drive me back and forth to tap and jazz, and movement class and ribbon twirl...you're a trooper. And Mom, no matter how late you got back from a gig you always came in my room to re-apply my cherry chapstick, you're an angel.
We have so many memories together. Remember when I would go postering for your shows, those long cold blistering winds along the highway, the heavy staple gun pressing it with all my 8 year old might against the telephone poles. Some nights no one would show up at Dusty's Den and you would sing for me at the front table with my Junior Whopper and hot cocoa. There was even that night we all got stuck at Dusty's overnight...wow what a memory.
Ok I know, I'm going on a tangent...what I wanted to tell you...is that I've decided to accept the scholarship to Wharton Business School and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU HORRID DUET OF...MONSTERS!!!!!!! YOU FUCKED UP MY WHOLE FUCKING CHILDHOOD....I'M OUTTA HERE...OH AND...YOUR ALBUM....SUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS ASSSSSSSSSS
sLAMMMMMM doooooorrrrrr, door doesn't close and slaps back open on it's rusty hinges...carefully close...latch...FUCK YOU!!!!

(I love my parents. -Rylan)

Show Your Love

I fucking love my family, y'all. I love it so much that we constantly have to dress like each other. I see these other jerk families walking around and not wearing matching outfits. You know what I think of them? Fucking communists. Call up the McCarthy commission cause a big fat boat of Reds just moved into the neighborhood. When my son Wrigley and I go to the beach, we like to pull out the tie dye. Just a fact. Maybe we'll start up a game of beach volleyball and talk about his dad's new girlfriend or whatever. Because, the whole beach can see what a close family of two we are. We don't need a dad. Right, Wrigley? I mean, who would want a dad who thinks it's "OK" to screw the girl (who just sold him Meineke brake pads) in the back of our Subaru Outback -- which we haven't finished paying off, by the by. A dad who thinks it's "just fine" to get hooked on meth and sell your tin toy collection, which was left to you by your grandfather before he died in that plane crash off the coast of East Moriches? A dad who thinks it's "no big deal" to push over tombstones in the Jewish cemetery. Wrigley, why do you keep bringing up your father when we are having the goddamn time of our lives, just chilling on the mother fucking beach in our shit rad matching tie dye?! Why, Wrigley?

The lesson here is: shop at Matcheez -- where great families dress alike! Best, Meg

woah...the BALLS!

This Times article commenting on the Indian Vogue spread, which mixes high end luxury with abject poverty, has me cancelling like 50 photoshoots I had planned this year. Fuck, what the hell am I going to say to Pichu! He told his foreman he couldn't work the 22 hour shift on September 16th. He's supposed to meet me over lattes in the highly secured shopping mall in Tupiza, Bolivia to review possible facial expressions he could use in our "Eat the Dirt out of my Jimmy Choo's" expose. Yeah and try and cancel a flight to Sudan carrying a hummer and 30 mink coats in 48 hours...fuck that shit. I'm sick of these whiny bitches RUINING it for us. Genius is offensive, get use to it. Maybe that they are faced with thier own heinous acts of fashion CRIMES is what this is truly about. Now order me 10 of those Fendi bibs-I have to go to the New York Times....wahhhhh.

I'm a Big Sap

You take New York City, a bunch of movie stars, all around good looking people, a Feist song, a Regina Spektor song, a Mika song, dancing, kissing, laughing, guys pushing girls in prom dresses in wheelchairs, old people romance, people opening doors and being surprised what's on the other side, people loving New York and talking about how much they love it, people looking longingly at each other, dreamy musings, Cloris Leachman, that effect where one person stands still while everyone else is moving really fast around them, Tavern on the Green, wedding dresses, and Coney Island --- brother, you have the most perfect trailer for a movie in the world. I'm so easily led.

The lesson is: who's gonna see "New York, I Love You" with me? Best, Meg

Have a few minutes? You're gonna need 'em!

Like some girls, I am a habitual and chronic collager. I make collages like there's a brush fire about to consume my home and I have to arrange all my treasured memory junk in an artistic way. I make collages like they're the key to curing AIDS. I make collages like there will be no tomorrow but I must remember yesterday. Ya heard?

So, you can imagine how delighted I was to find this website. Polyvore lets you MAKE COLLAGES ONLINE with dope patterns and backgrounds, mixed with clothes and accessories that you would like to buy (just see the quick one I made just now). Imagine if I put some time into it and uploaded my photos from Japan, mixed in with an imperial Prussian pattern, an American eagle and a tube of mascara? It's like you're making your own Nylon Magazine spread. Um, Polyvore, where were you when I was rolling on ectasy and couldn't figure out how to work my scissors and glue stick to make a collage of Vanity Fair magazines from the early 90s? Huh? Where were you. I love you.

The lesson is: free up your weekend cause you're gonna be collagin'! Best, Meg

neonmexi

I woke up at 7am to create this "neonmexi" pattern in illustrator/photoshop, I am obsessed with this zazzle site. I also made a pair for my comedy group using our card graphic.

There are a million more to come....Thanks Meg for CHANGING MY LIFE....

Waa, Waa, My Sneakers Are Boring

Well, shut your face cause sneakers just got amazing. Keds just launched their "create your own sneaker" shit. Look at this little gem I'll be rocking in 1 - 2 weeks (depending on shipping and handling). No more will I be sobbing into my chai latte about how my kicks are so far from fly. Shopping online just got fun again, my people! Now, can someone tell my mom to get off the phone so I can get some dial up action in this hiz-ouse?! I'm gonna be surfing the Interweb highway, in like, 17 minutes.

The lesson is: I design banging sneakers.

Best, Meg

More little girl garbage

This shirt is awesome.

Yikes I'm going to lose my Virginity in like 3 hours!!!!!

Oh my G-Units!!!
Geophrey is totally coming over in like 3 hours to finally do it in the "princess purse" and like he's never been to my room! I wish I could get a little HELP around here....I hope it doesn't turn into a "princess hearse," as in my vayhayhay is in pain!I have to be at the Fancy Pants business meeting in like 4.5 hours!! That leaves Geo (as I call him, hehe,) a solid hour to turn me into a woman! I wish my room looked like a grown up woman's room like NOWish!
-Steph "into the Future" Jacobs

My Three Dads Are Sooooo Embarrassing

Don't they know my friends read this magazine? I hate having three dads.

The lesson is: just stay out of my room, ok?!

Best, Meg

wear what I tell you bitches!

enter the H&M virtual dressing room and play virtual barbie alllllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyyyyy

Your New Best Friend

She lives in Newport News, Virginia and is originally from Robotville, Saturn.  On the weekends she goes thrift store and flea market shopping.  She takes pictures of buttons, empty spools of thread, and Barbie and Ken dolls in compromising positions.  She remembers all the lyrics to the opening theme song of "Jem and the Holograms."  She knows the difference between a Jazzie and a Maxie doll.  She owns the day bed and background scenery of the Rocker's (Barbie's band) loft.  She sells 80s jewelry.  She has a craft room.  Glitter and yarn are words in her every day vocabulary.  She knows that "kawaii" is the Japanese word for "cute."

While you and your friends from the secretary pool are enjoying happy hour at a rooftop bar in Chelsea, trying to catch the eye of a Wall St. dude who likes it from behind, this girl is sitting on her deck and jamming out to tunes on her Fisher Price record player.  While you spend half your paycheck on gym memberships, she is eating mini-cupcakes from her Easy Bake oven.  While you pay $100 for jeans, she is sewing her own skirts out of She-Ra bedsheets, using patterns she found in the attic of her Scottish next door neighbor.  She doesn't give a fuck what you think.  She decided that she liked the year 1987 and she is not going back.  Give her a call.  Don't worry, she'll pick up.  As soon as she heard you were in town she got started on a Chinese staircase friendship bracelet in the colors of the Jamaican flag.

The lesson is: why the fuck aren't you hanging out with the coolest person you'll ever know?  Best, Meg

Vicky Bass

This is this adorable 14 year old in the UK named Vicky Bass. I am enchanted by how she designed her video submission.
I also highly reccommend checking out her other video: "There is a Light That Never Goes Out," by the Smiths. Oh man I want to hang out with her and make outfits and make something with glitter and angst. Sigh.
-Rylan

Can you tell your faggot kids to get off my lawn?

Seriously, Deborah, I'm asking nicely. Don't make me bring this to the community board. My stepbrother Ira is on it. I think I have a pretty good case. This is the third time this week. I will turn the hose on them.

The lesson is: capes are gay.

Best, Meg

Trendsetters

You know you're the coolest Japanese couple in your prefecture when you're adopting American kids. No Asian babies for you.

The lesson is: equality. Best, Meg

you ever look at a book cover and think, "damn, i wish you were my outfit"?

xo,
Lucia

Meth + Wendy's + Sex Addict Boyfriend that ignores you =

-Rylan

softer side of steers

Man I want to do something with this fabric...think Aztecian Midwestern Housewife Kimonoesque lounge wear. I like the drapey slinky long odd shape sleeve kind of vibe, smoking a cigarette, dispensing pills, and scooping small dogs. Like high-end depression soft wear. You are fabulous but you gave up a long time ago, now you just saunter in this robe and wonder how many calories tylenol have.
-Rylan

How Dare You?

You call yourself a dog owner? Really? With that dime store leash and hand me down collar? Obviously, you are the parent who forgets to pick up their child at soccer practice after school because there is a whole shitload of dogs out there laughing at your dog. Oh, how cute, your dog's a dog -- well, take a look across the street because that dog is a mother fuckin' captain. Wait, turn around, behind you -- that dog is a sassy cowboy. Your dog doesn't even own a visor. Do you know what they're saying about your dog? That he's a god damn pussy, and I don't mean a cat, I mean a dildo inserting vagina. That's what these fashion dogs think of your dog. In fact, these dogs are getting together at their Tribeca loft for hat parties and your dog is the topic of ridicule. These dogs go for weekends in Cape Cod and don't invite your dog. Son, these dogs are going Oscar Wilde on your dog's ass. They're using wordplay and simile like it's going out of style. These dogs look at your dog and wonder why there's a God that makes bad things happen to good dogs. These dogs wonder when your dog is gonna get off it's period, cause it looks like a bloody tampon. These dogs shit fashion gold. You wonder why your dog never gets invited anywhere? Take a look in the mirror, asshole.

The lesson here is: get your head out of your butt and buy your dog a hat. Best, Meg

Why Do I Try?

When there are girls like this in the world? Pictured: Santogold and M.I.A. Their powers combined create a radical mix of not giving a fuck cool. You challenge me? Don't try. These girls can wear (not pictured) gold shiny leggings, oversized tie dye tee shirts turned dresses, mixed with a puce Members Only jacket, neon Keds, hoop earrings that spell the word "Sexy" in the middle, and heart shaped sunglasses --- all without looking like a douchebag. Their mix of cool is like Parker Posey sucking off Kanye West while Zach Galifianakis lipsynched a Hot Chip song on the corner of Bedford Avenue and the Ginza district, which Lourdes Leon blogs about on her iPhone. That's how cool they are. They also make music. Just by listening to their music, you will be inspired to be cool. Look at their photo. They're doing a modified tree pose, pretending they're holding cigarettes, and looking past you to the block party they spontaneously started while you were trying to figure out how to work your BestBuy camera. Oh yeah, and their best friend Mark Ronson just happened to be in the neighborhood to DJ. What? Fuck me, world, how do I compete.

The lesson: Incorporate one piece of neon everyday. By the end of the week, maybe one of these bitches will look in your neon direction. Domo gozimasu. Best, Meg

newest in new and the fall fevers

Nice, Meggles said "your own biz dot com" in the last AWESOME new post from her as the newest contributor to Fash Emerg.

I'm stuck in an office where every few minutes some one sneezes or coughs a hacking sack of shit from inside themselves. Shades are drawn, flourescents puke light on miserable shmucks and the AC is pumping to scarf temps. OUTSIDE, however (and there may as well be a caucoaphany of radiant horns when you step outside,) is a sparkling example of what mother nature can do when she gets off her fat ass. It's the weather you run home to change for, you want to step out in this kind of air, frock it out, fluff it, primp it, strut the hell out of an Avenue, pose in interesting shadows, vogue with strangers at cross walks. The pre-fall New York City dope weather is at its peak today. Unfortunately due to a hovering cold (wonder where I caught it from...) and general malaise- I wore an unimpressive outfit, I just couldn't pull it together, very unfortunate. The weather is almost worth quitting and going further into debt. Almost. Sigh. I can't even properly fantasize about an outfit, there's too much pressure to impress out there.
Go get 'em fall fashion tigers!
-Rylan

Nine Months of Fabulous

There is no better time to be pregnant. Not to have a baby per se, but to be PREGNANT. Nine months of eating whatever shit you want, letting guys on the subway give up their seats for you, bigger boobs, and....the clothes. Now is the hottest time in pregnant fashion. Flowing fabrics, empire waistlines, and built in bras to house your brand new lactating hooters. I draw your attention to Christian Siriano. He's from Project Runway (which I don't watch because I don't have cable, but if I did, I'd probably watch it) and from what I gather he says "fierce" more than a human being should. Anyway, he's up and designed a maternity line. I want to wear these dresses now. These dresses carry the laissez-faire quality of summer, the Cote d'Azur, and knowing you don't have to be on birth control for 9 months.

A month ago I went into a store (I won't say which one, there are so many) and tried on this halter dress that had a black background and pink and green flowers making this psychedelic pattern that was not annoying. The silky fabric was not too thick and the cut was very flattering on the neckline (not too low but offering hints of cleavage). A friend went into the dressing room with me and commented that I looked really great in the dress. I know, right? But, it was fitting weird for the size and cut of the garment. I was THIS close to buying it, but something was amiss. Areas were bigger in strange areas. I checked the tag. It was a maternity dress. I couldn't bring myself to buy it. I still wake up thinking about that dress.

The lesson here is: Be fabulous for nine months, it's totally worth it. What you do with the baby that arrives is your own biz dot com. Best, Meg

Jammin' on the 90's

Recession Shmession, fashion continues. Grunge is in the forefront and the periferrals. I'm nostalgic for Sassy magazine, layered flannel, and Lucia is talking Doc Martins. The other night I popped in a VHS copy of 'Singles' to get a dose of 90's grunge Seattle. Eddie Vedder is all up in that bitch. I like Pearl Jam more today than at 13 years old-I thought only posers dug them, and for fashion I will be a poser now- just to live vacariously through the co-opted senisbility of a return to Grunge. Like the philosophy that is carried in the style, I am a sucker for remembering painful times, the romance of one's own "struggle" to get to today. Slacker, Depression, Wasted, Homemade; all the trimmings of an economic down swing and all the deliciousness of a slammin' outfit. I mean when Calvin Klein does it, well its like open season to be flamboyant about the return, act naturally, slowly and then BAM- full on Grunge attire out of no where. It's like the first time I did it. I conciously built my first Grunge outfit in my room the night before announcing it to the school that I had always known I was this way-I mean duh! I selected a black t-shirt from an old bowling alley that my mom gave me from New York City (double points in cool,) turned it inside out and slipped it over a long sleeve, next I cut the top off a pair of my dads denim overalls I found in the basement, belted them around my tiny 13 yr old waif structure, and finished with converse sneakers. Out I went, transformed over night. A girl in the locker room did the jaw drop to my choice in clothing, I took it as an opportunity to be like-"oh this? yeah I just threw it on, I woke up late." I don't care if she believed me-here I was creating myself one lie at a time-what is fashion anyways right?
-Rylan

haha wiki-ha

This is funny to me
note: "For example, if you have cute Bermuda plaid capris, put colors that match with that one thing."
-Rylan

One for the Future Ancients

Ummmm Sami people's stone-age pethroglyphs of boats???? I think I have a charm necklace coming on....

-Rylan

Who really rules the fashion world

http://static.flickr.com/31/58773005_4face29ddf.jpg

Don't Forget Who Truly Rules the Fashion World

for a good time, please click on the image.

love,

lucia

tonight-Magnet Theater 254 W 29th Street with Scratch Off! 7:30 pm $5 Improv Comedy

Post therapy American Apparel purchases

So I am living the American dream. I went to therapy on my lunch break from my corporate job and after therapy I bought two t-shirts from American Apparel. I already knew I would buy them after, I planned it. I envisioned them and fulfilled the prophesy. Like so many other things, like things discussed in therapy. Maybe envisioning the purchase was a way to see myself getting out of therapy and moving forward with my day (life.) Or they are a treat, like "here you go sweety you just went through something rough." Disgusting. Anyways, not to bum anyone out, I got a slightly larger v-neck gray track shirt than I already own, and a purple acid wash v-neck. I put the purple v-neck on in the bathroom at work, it is WAY more awesome than what I was wearing earlier-the slightly smaller and totally pit stained gray v-neck track shirt that I already own. I do need therapy.
-Rylan

SHOOZ

How silly that it has taken me this long to post. I will be discussing the following in the coming days:

1 - summer shoes that make you wish it was summer for atleast two seasons a year - these! just kidding, those blow. these are more obvious - but does that make them lame? ponder dat.
2 - finding that bag that is hotter than a tote bag but doesn't make you feel like a poor man's mary kate olsen. aka this. or this if you're sleeping with a rich dude.
3 - fantasy bracelet combinations - this bracelet with like, 10 of these, all on the same arm. ha, stop fantasizing, your table wants their check.

love,
lucia

Discush

Average White Girl wrote Fash Emerg:
"OK, I'm dying to talk about "muffin tops".

Ok. They are the unfortunate by product of low-rise fashion, genetics and possibly poor diet/lack of excercise-but seriously everyone can create muffin top-just get pants that are too small and too low. Mix this mess with some tight cheap t-shirt and top off wiht a thong whale tail and you are all aboard to Mall Slut Alley!

The other unfortunate yummy sounding fashion glitch-PONCH! That bulbous collection of chub on display manufactured by high rise pants, panties, skirts, etc. Awesome. Sometimes referred to as " mom ponch." I remember seeing it on a few mom's wearing stonewash in upstate New York in the 80's-90's. Perhaps the low rise was created because we had feasted on ponch for too long.

There are jeans that are wide in the waist and not too low and still fit narrow throughout to limit muffin top manufacturing. But you have to hunt like you are hungry.

Fun thing to do

1) Go to http://www.corbis.com
2) Select "Editorial" to search
3) enter 1972 as the date photographed
4) Start on the first image, double click and then hit next at the top and view all like a slide show.

Anne Klein with jewelry case-check out the "ME" necklace
Woody Allen
Betsy Johnson
Bill Blass
Barbara Streisand
Carly Simon
Dolly Parton
check out Michel Polnareff-sheesh dude
The Andes plane crash survivor images
Billie Jean King-whoa

That's just up to page 4!!

I like these

I like this site, I like these pants
http://www.edgeofurge.com/boutique/clothing/womens/pants/low_life.php

Feeling like an identity-crisis is coming on...ooh of the best kind-skanky and slutsky
Fall fanatasy-animal print heels with skankrific tight jeans like thse "low lifes" and sultry baggy loose cashmere sweater thing with short sleeves, boxy fit, over the belly buldge.

what's your Fall Fantasy Lucia?

This is it.

This is where we can finally let loose and talk about the shit we want to. Fashion Comedy. Comedy Fashion. GO!