A Look At Christmas Toys: Barbie Zoo Doctor

Oh, my shit, Margie, you MUST get thee to a Toys 'R Us. Mattel has just released a new Barbie, "I Can Be... Zoo Doctor" playset. She's got her pink camo short shorts, a canopy over a koala's basket, table made out of a baby giraffe, animal medical files with a rainbow coming out of an elephant's trunk, and lack of a veterinary license. Your little Cassidy is going to flip her training bra over this one. Remember when she said she wouldn't forgive you after you divorced Doug, well now is the time!

Finally, Barbie is being taken seriously in the zoology profession. She can care for as many baby animals as the law allows. And, Barbie can do it in style. High pink boots, yes! Pink stethoscope, yes! Tan half vest, yes! Margie, your little Cassidy is going to go back on Dexatrim if you don't do this for her. Remember in college when we nakedly promised by candlelight to raise our daughters like Eleanor Roosevelt? But, prettier? Now is the time! Barbie is a professional and she will never need a Ken for anything. Oh, to be young, proud, and black.

The lesson here is: Treat your well deserving daughters to a Barbie with a purpose -- to care for baby animals. Best, Meg

Hey, Roy, why are you so gay?

...Oh, right.

The lesson here is: Roy's Mom is a cunt.  Best, Meg

Be Good Looking

Is there anything Wikipedia doesn't know? Facts, figures, charts, graphs, now they can advise you on how to be good looking. From chubby teenager to sparkling debutante with some time on her hands, now the online encyclopedia is working to make you a better person -- on the outside! Boy, I really could have used this advice when I was crying into my pillow in the 7th grade when my "friends" referred to me as "dirty," "ugly," and "undesirable."

Let's break it down according to Wikipedia -- which , in my experience, is never wrong. Apparently, step one to being good looking is being healthy, confident, and a good person. Great! Let me call up my 7th grade self and tell her to eat an apple and volunteer or some shit. My favorite piece of advice is to "Smile." Stupid ugly girls, listen up! You just need to think positively about yourself, brush your hair and put a big fat grin on your face. Get out of those dark corners and fix yourself up the Wiki way. And, read the whole entry. On the bottom there's TIPS, such as "Just be optimistic and things will go great." Yeah! Unattractive people are so negative. I hate them. Thank god I'm good looking.

The lesson here is: Being pretty is better than not. Best, Meg

Chictopia is kinda rad

I was trying to find a dress online...I just destroyed my favorite dress by putting it in the wash by accident...and I came across this site that is like polyvore meets facebook. I think this chick is like Lucia...in 'tude.