Friday Night Lights

This is you right now: "What is going on? This is a blog about....snarky chicks snarking out with words & images, not TV and this dumdum show!"

And this is me right now: "get get get get get get getttt over it!"
Every single person in the show is hot (except for one dude who is still hotter than you probably) so whatevahhh! Watch it. Tim Riggins.
Bieeee!
xo,
Lucia

A Look At Christmas Toys: Nintendo - Littlest Pet Shop: Winter

Everyone knows that girls don't like video games. It's just not in their nature -- like fixing cars and voting. But, leave it to our besties at Nintendo to market a game for the gals! May I present, "The Little Pet Shop: Winter" (also available in Jungle and Garden). Finally, the video game manufacters see a market and fill it (that's what she said). Driving and shoot 'em up games are sooo boring! All girls know that. With this game, girls can collect pets, party with their pets, dress up their pets, and play with their pets in games such as "Nut Fest" and "Beats 'n Bops." I'm so glad that Nintendo realizes that little girls only want to accessorize and frolic in winter time pursuits. This is fun with a capital "PH"!

Girl power, for serious, ladies. Get your head out of your bloody vag and into a Nintendo DS! Best of all, that game system comes in metallic pink. Can I handle my shit right now? Obviously not. Make something pink, soft, and give it big eyes -- that's what girls like, right? Let's design some more games for girls. Yeah, let's think like Nintendo executives. My proposals:

1. Single Mommy Time

2. Blow Jobs Are The Only Way He'll Like Me Time

3. Put Pretty Things on Pretty People Time

4. Babies, Clothes, and Shit

5. Balloons!

The lesson here is: I wish I had a kitten...or a baby! Are you listening, Santa? Best, Meg

You Call This a F**kin' Craft Store?

Get your head out of your ass, Mom.

Best, Little Girl

Season's Greetings for the Handicapped in Your Household

My nephew Josh is handi-amazing. He can do anything any other 12-year-old can do -- that is, except use his legs. Which is why in this economic crisis, I am creatively making his Christmas gift with my own hands. Blappity, blap, he keeps complaining that he has to carry his daises and newspapers on his lap. Well, Joshinstein, worry no more! Look at this creative wheelchair accessory I am making you. You will be the coolest kid at the quiet school. And, don't worry Great Aunt Frigid, I'm making one for your walker, too!

Since I cannot pleasure myself, I love keeping my hands busy. So, for those of you who are wondering, hey, I can't afford these new alphabet games and war memorials -- just use your noggin' and get sloggin' on some homemade gifts! Just like the Dutch!

The lesson here is: You don't have to be in a wheelchair to appreciate this gift -- but, it helps. Best, Meg

Get Back to Work!

I don't pay you to be a kid.

Best, Meg

A Look At Christmas Toys: The Amazing McKayla Doll

You are all familiar with my dry uterus. And, if you're not, get used to it! I'm totally Howie Mandeling here -- joking. But when it comes to holiday toys I'm Nelson Mandeling here -- being serious. I've come across an amazing baby doll that I will surely be purchasing for my beautiful triplet nieces, Madison, Britthanie, and Frizzante. The description in the "for sale" section of Toys 'r Us' online store really got me:

"Amazing McKayla is so much fun! She is a very smart doll and knows when she's embraced. McKayla has 7 distinct cries! She cries when she wants a hug, needs to be changed, wants to play, needs to be burped, is tired, is sick, or feels hungry."

Can you mother f'in believe it?! A doll that knows when she is embraced. I wish that my ex-husband Gerard had that ability. Because he was a Grade F minus embracer. And, if you've read my other blog you know that I am a strong supporter of girls in the home. Let them learn the difference between cries now. Once they identify the proper cries, they can mask their own! This is a case of babies teaching babies. Boy, I wish they had this when I was a little girl. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone right now. Oops, my egg timer is going off. Time to take that ham out of the oven and then throw it away. Love boats!

The lesson here is: Buy your little one a product with individual crying action! Best, Meg

A Look At Christmas Toys: Barbie Zoo Doctor

Oh, my shit, Margie, you MUST get thee to a Toys 'R Us. Mattel has just released a new Barbie, "I Can Be... Zoo Doctor" playset. She's got her pink camo short shorts, a canopy over a koala's basket, table made out of a baby giraffe, animal medical files with a rainbow coming out of an elephant's trunk, and lack of a veterinary license. Your little Cassidy is going to flip her training bra over this one. Remember when she said she wouldn't forgive you after you divorced Doug, well now is the time!

Finally, Barbie is being taken seriously in the zoology profession. She can care for as many baby animals as the law allows. And, Barbie can do it in style. High pink boots, yes! Pink stethoscope, yes! Tan half vest, yes! Margie, your little Cassidy is going to go back on Dexatrim if you don't do this for her. Remember in college when we nakedly promised by candlelight to raise our daughters like Eleanor Roosevelt? But, prettier? Now is the time! Barbie is a professional and she will never need a Ken for anything. Oh, to be young, proud, and black.

The lesson here is: Treat your well deserving daughters to a Barbie with a purpose -- to care for baby animals. Best, Meg

Hey, Roy, why are you so gay?

...Oh, right.

The lesson here is: Roy's Mom is a cunt.  Best, Meg

Be Good Looking

Is there anything Wikipedia doesn't know? Facts, figures, charts, graphs, now they can advise you on how to be good looking. From chubby teenager to sparkling debutante with some time on her hands, now the online encyclopedia is working to make you a better person -- on the outside! Boy, I really could have used this advice when I was crying into my pillow in the 7th grade when my "friends" referred to me as "dirty," "ugly," and "undesirable."

Let's break it down according to Wikipedia -- which , in my experience, is never wrong. Apparently, step one to being good looking is being healthy, confident, and a good person. Great! Let me call up my 7th grade self and tell her to eat an apple and volunteer or some shit. My favorite piece of advice is to "Smile." Stupid ugly girls, listen up! You just need to think positively about yourself, brush your hair and put a big fat grin on your face. Get out of those dark corners and fix yourself up the Wiki way. And, read the whole entry. On the bottom there's TIPS, such as "Just be optimistic and things will go great." Yeah! Unattractive people are so negative. I hate them. Thank god I'm good looking.

The lesson here is: Being pretty is better than not. Best, Meg

Chictopia is kinda rad

I was trying to find a dress online...I just destroyed my favorite dress by putting it in the wash by accident...and I came across this site that is like polyvore meets facebook. I think this chick is like Lucia...in 'tude.

'Ello Gov'nur!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Top 'o the mornin' to you. You may ask why I suddenly started writing like a fag, and I will tell you. Topshop is coming to NYC this Fall, bitches! In case you don't know, Topshop is a mix of Forever 21's whimsy, H&M's prices, and the Gap, like, 2 years ago. It's the greatest store ever. Just go to their website. They have British options for clothes. For example, there's a whole category for PLAYSUITS. What the fuck is a playsuit?! (Take a look at the photo on the left, that's a playsuit) They also give you the option of waistcoats. I'm in way over my head.

Topshop is from London and when I was studying abroad there after 9/11 and had no friends, I would spend afternoons trying on all the clothes, and then not buy anything. This was more fun than sitting on my bottom bunk crying into a stained cup of oolong tea, making collages out of postcards and found objects...which is what I did on weekdays. But, Meg, stop feeling sorry for yerself! Get to Topshop! Hey, thanks repressed multiple identity of a tough little girl who fights my battles!

The lesson is: who wants to be my friend? Best, Meg

What's Hot What's Not-Halloween Edition

I wanna talk costume trash...what are the skanks gonna pull this year, how gay will straight guys go in drag, what are the uber intellects gonna try and pull on us at parties....
Sexy American Indian...Ok...but when they call this costume "Pink Indian," my mind just goes to a place...I'm not comfortable with...
This isn't a halloween costume, this is a desperate call for help, because when you buy this in a large online you don't look like this, not even close, yeah you have breasts, and hips and legs and all that, but seriously, get up go over the mirror and try to imagine what those chains across your donut-ponch are really gonna look like, like a fucking brisket. Now go back and be realistic...
Jan: Carla, THAT'S Hilarious...you are TOO much...wait what ARE you...I get the spaghetti and meatballs, too cute...
Carla: I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Jan: What's that?
Carla: It's my religion. I talk to you about it all the time in IM....you didn't catch that?
Jan: ha ha...right...it's a joke right?
Carla: No bitch, I'm a Pastafarian...fuck you, I'm out of here.
Poor Steve, he just doesn't get it year after year.



Joe totally gets it...come here you big lug, you don't have to hang out in the parking lot outside of Sears, get in the car, let's go home and fuck like soldiers back from Nam.


Ok, so I totally derailed, I didn't talk about what's hot or not for costumes, neither did I present any guys in drag, or "clever" costumes, I'm so exhausted right now....ugh and I have to do laundry!! Sunday's are weird........conk.....zzzzzzzzz


-Rylan

You are cordially invited...

...to Megan's Annual White Party! Dust off your white fedora, your white satin shirt, your white jeans...and be prepared to have the time of your life! Everyone who is everyone will be there. DJ Nasty Drawers is spinning that night, so you know you'll hear the finest in crunk and juice. I have been sworn to secrecy, but I hear that Elayne Boosler might even stop by to deliver some yucks! This rad pic was taken at last year's festivities. My Dad looks like he's having the time of his life! N'est pas?

Where else can you find the perfect mix of swizz and slurp? Ninety-percent of my guests got laid last year! That's like Carnivale in Reno (for you sports fans)! What else are you going to do? Read to your children in bed? Visit your cousin in the mental institution? Don't...she'll only throw her feces at you again. Come, come again to Megan's Annual White Party! Your spirit will be glad it did!

The lesson here is: RSVP soon, bitches! Best, meg

Failed Economy = Sick Azz Fashion!!!

There has never been a more perfect time for the economy to suck at whatever it does, 'cause now us kids finally have something to be pissed off about! (...wait, what war are you....talking about...?) And pissed off kids (I'm closer to 30 than 20 but you can shut up, thanks) with no money means one thing:


HOBO FASHION!

Torn pants, shoes with mismatched laces, hats for practical reasons: there is nothing more exhilarating than fashion that exists out of necessity - a true fash emerg.

So exciting!!! Let's hitchhike to San Francisco and start a revolution. I hear the art/party scene there is to-die-for. This recession is going to be superduperfabfab.

...do old people really sometimes eat cat food? That makes me so sad.

xo,
Lucia

GIVE ME 700 BILLION DOLLARS AND I'LL SOLVE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

-RYLAN IS UP IN ARMS

If you're not dressing '90s right now you're an asshole.

That's right, you heard me! If you're living in 2008 right now and you're dressing like it's anytime other than 1990-1999 (i'm kinda lying, shit got stale '97-'99) you're a big asshole and I've got a bone to pick with you.

You're not having enough fun!!! That's my bone. Or that's the picking. Or whatever. 

Look at those gorgeous young thangs above! Do you think any of them ever got in car accidents or got rejected from cornell?! NO! Haven't I taught you anything?! sigh.

Healthy fashion makes for healthy people with healthy lives.

Take note economy buffs!

xo, Lucia

Virtual Dress Up

If you know me, then you know that I am a HUGE Abhishek Bachchan and Rani Mukherji fan. And, if you don't know that, then start paying attention to me, Mom! Anyway, they are a perfect combo, like cream cheese and a bagel, like a penis and a vagina -- classic! You may know Rani from her portrayal of a deaf-blind girl in 2005's "Black" and Abhi from his Punjabi Sikh good looks. Now, you are probably like me. In your head, you're like, what kind of sari would Rani wear today? Is Abhi going to wear a khaki khurta this weekend? I mean, I think about Rani and Abhi more than anything. More than my kids. At least that's what the state said.

Well, fuck that imagination use, because now you can play virtual paper dolls and dress up Rani and Abhi however YOU want! That's right! Not only that, but it's all clothes from my FAV FAV movie, "Bunty aur Babli!" The tale of two ambitious wannabes from small towns whose dreams are written off as outrageously daydreamy. You know the one. We stood all night in line in Jackson Heights to see it. Then we made out on the 7 train and shared a bag of sandesh in the rain.

Even if you don't like Bollywood, you will have fun playing dress up with these gorgeous creatures. Vaudeville is dead and Bollywood 08 is taking its corpse on vacation.

The lesson is: I like the purple pavada with blue salwar kameez. But, don't take my word for it! Let your vision wild n' out! Best, meg

observation

Spring 2002 is the new Fall 2007 this Fall 2008

Me and My Daughter Part One

Do You Know What Love Smells Like?

xo, L