A Look At Christmas Toys: Barbie Zoo Doctor

Oh, my shit, Margie, you MUST get thee to a Toys 'R Us. Mattel has just released a new Barbie, "I Can Be... Zoo Doctor" playset. She's got her pink camo short shorts, a canopy over a koala's basket, table made out of a baby giraffe, animal medical files with a rainbow coming out of an elephant's trunk, and lack of a veterinary license. Your little Cassidy is going to flip her training bra over this one. Remember when she said she wouldn't forgive you after you divorced Doug, well now is the time!

Finally, Barbie is being taken seriously in the zoology profession. She can care for as many baby animals as the law allows. And, Barbie can do it in style. High pink boots, yes! Pink stethoscope, yes! Tan half vest, yes! Margie, your little Cassidy is going to go back on Dexatrim if you don't do this for her. Remember in college when we nakedly promised by candlelight to raise our daughters like Eleanor Roosevelt? But, prettier? Now is the time! Barbie is a professional and she will never need a Ken for anything. Oh, to be young, proud, and black.

The lesson here is: Treat your well deserving daughters to a Barbie with a purpose -- to care for baby animals. Best, Meg

Hey, Roy, why are you so gay?

...Oh, right.

The lesson here is: Roy's Mom is a cunt.  Best, Meg

Be Good Looking

Is there anything Wikipedia doesn't know? Facts, figures, charts, graphs, now they can advise you on how to be good looking. From chubby teenager to sparkling debutante with some time on her hands, now the online encyclopedia is working to make you a better person -- on the outside! Boy, I really could have used this advice when I was crying into my pillow in the 7th grade when my "friends" referred to me as "dirty," "ugly," and "undesirable."

Let's break it down according to Wikipedia -- which , in my experience, is never wrong. Apparently, step one to being good looking is being healthy, confident, and a good person. Great! Let me call up my 7th grade self and tell her to eat an apple and volunteer or some shit. My favorite piece of advice is to "Smile." Stupid ugly girls, listen up! You just need to think positively about yourself, brush your hair and put a big fat grin on your face. Get out of those dark corners and fix yourself up the Wiki way. And, read the whole entry. On the bottom there's TIPS, such as "Just be optimistic and things will go great." Yeah! Unattractive people are so negative. I hate them. Thank god I'm good looking.

The lesson here is: Being pretty is better than not. Best, Meg

Chictopia is kinda rad

I was trying to find a dress online...I just destroyed my favorite dress by putting it in the wash by accident...and I came across this site that is like polyvore meets facebook. I think this chick is like Lucia...in 'tude.

'Ello Gov'nur!

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! Top 'o the mornin' to you. You may ask why I suddenly started writing like a fag, and I will tell you. Topshop is coming to NYC this Fall, bitches! In case you don't know, Topshop is a mix of Forever 21's whimsy, H&M's prices, and the Gap, like, 2 years ago. It's the greatest store ever. Just go to their website. They have British options for clothes. For example, there's a whole category for PLAYSUITS. What the fuck is a playsuit?! (Take a look at the photo on the left, that's a playsuit) They also give you the option of waistcoats. I'm in way over my head.

Topshop is from London and when I was studying abroad there after 9/11 and had no friends, I would spend afternoons trying on all the clothes, and then not buy anything. This was more fun than sitting on my bottom bunk crying into a stained cup of oolong tea, making collages out of postcards and found objects...which is what I did on weekdays. But, Meg, stop feeling sorry for yerself! Get to Topshop! Hey, thanks repressed multiple identity of a tough little girl who fights my battles!

The lesson is: who wants to be my friend? Best, Meg

What's Hot What's Not-Halloween Edition

I wanna talk costume trash...what are the skanks gonna pull this year, how gay will straight guys go in drag, what are the uber intellects gonna try and pull on us at parties....
Sexy American Indian...Ok...but when they call this costume "Pink Indian," my mind just goes to a place...I'm not comfortable with...
This isn't a halloween costume, this is a desperate call for help, because when you buy this in a large online you don't look like this, not even close, yeah you have breasts, and hips and legs and all that, but seriously, get up go over the mirror and try to imagine what those chains across your donut-ponch are really gonna look like, like a fucking brisket. Now go back and be realistic...
Jan: Carla, THAT'S Hilarious...you are TOO much...wait what ARE you...I get the spaghetti and meatballs, too cute...
Carla: I'm the Flying Spaghetti Monster!
Jan: What's that?
Carla: It's my religion. I talk to you about it all the time in IM....you didn't catch that?
Jan: ha ha...right...it's a joke right?
Carla: No bitch, I'm a Pastafarian...fuck you, I'm out of here.
Poor Steve, he just doesn't get it year after year.



Joe totally gets it...come here you big lug, you don't have to hang out in the parking lot outside of Sears, get in the car, let's go home and fuck like soldiers back from Nam.


Ok, so I totally derailed, I didn't talk about what's hot or not for costumes, neither did I present any guys in drag, or "clever" costumes, I'm so exhausted right now....ugh and I have to do laundry!! Sunday's are weird........conk.....zzzzzzzzz


-Rylan

You are cordially invited...

...to Megan's Annual White Party! Dust off your white fedora, your white satin shirt, your white jeans...and be prepared to have the time of your life! Everyone who is everyone will be there. DJ Nasty Drawers is spinning that night, so you know you'll hear the finest in crunk and juice. I have been sworn to secrecy, but I hear that Elayne Boosler might even stop by to deliver some yucks! This rad pic was taken at last year's festivities. My Dad looks like he's having the time of his life! N'est pas?

Where else can you find the perfect mix of swizz and slurp? Ninety-percent of my guests got laid last year! That's like Carnivale in Reno (for you sports fans)! What else are you going to do? Read to your children in bed? Visit your cousin in the mental institution? Don't...she'll only throw her feces at you again. Come, come again to Megan's Annual White Party! Your spirit will be glad it did!

The lesson here is: RSVP soon, bitches! Best, meg

Failed Economy = Sick Azz Fashion!!!

There has never been a more perfect time for the economy to suck at whatever it does, 'cause now us kids finally have something to be pissed off about! (...wait, what war are you....talking about...?) And pissed off kids (I'm closer to 30 than 20 but you can shut up, thanks) with no money means one thing:


HOBO FASHION!

Torn pants, shoes with mismatched laces, hats for practical reasons: there is nothing more exhilarating than fashion that exists out of necessity - a true fash emerg.

So exciting!!! Let's hitchhike to San Francisco and start a revolution. I hear the art/party scene there is to-die-for. This recession is going to be superduperfabfab.

...do old people really sometimes eat cat food? That makes me so sad.

xo,
Lucia

GIVE ME 700 BILLION DOLLARS AND I'LL SOLVE THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

-RYLAN IS UP IN ARMS

If you're not dressing '90s right now you're an asshole.

That's right, you heard me! If you're living in 2008 right now and you're dressing like it's anytime other than 1990-1999 (i'm kinda lying, shit got stale '97-'99) you're a big asshole and I've got a bone to pick with you.

You're not having enough fun!!! That's my bone. Or that's the picking. Or whatever. 

Look at those gorgeous young thangs above! Do you think any of them ever got in car accidents or got rejected from cornell?! NO! Haven't I taught you anything?! sigh.

Healthy fashion makes for healthy people with healthy lives.

Take note economy buffs!

xo, Lucia

Virtual Dress Up

If you know me, then you know that I am a HUGE Abhishek Bachchan and Rani Mukherji fan. And, if you don't know that, then start paying attention to me, Mom! Anyway, they are a perfect combo, like cream cheese and a bagel, like a penis and a vagina -- classic! You may know Rani from her portrayal of a deaf-blind girl in 2005's "Black" and Abhi from his Punjabi Sikh good looks. Now, you are probably like me. In your head, you're like, what kind of sari would Rani wear today? Is Abhi going to wear a khaki khurta this weekend? I mean, I think about Rani and Abhi more than anything. More than my kids. At least that's what the state said.

Well, fuck that imagination use, because now you can play virtual paper dolls and dress up Rani and Abhi however YOU want! That's right! Not only that, but it's all clothes from my FAV FAV movie, "Bunty aur Babli!" The tale of two ambitious wannabes from small towns whose dreams are written off as outrageously daydreamy. You know the one. We stood all night in line in Jackson Heights to see it. Then we made out on the 7 train and shared a bag of sandesh in the rain.

Even if you don't like Bollywood, you will have fun playing dress up with these gorgeous creatures. Vaudeville is dead and Bollywood 08 is taking its corpse on vacation.

The lesson is: I like the purple pavada with blue salwar kameez. But, don't take my word for it! Let your vision wild n' out! Best, meg

observation

Spring 2002 is the new Fall 2007 this Fall 2008

Me and My Daughter Part One

Do You Know What Love Smells Like?

xo, L

Upper Middle Class doing Upper Middle Class Bullshit

My son Max looooves pesto. My daughter Zoe loooooves fettucini alfredo. This is the predicament I find myself in the Chelsea Whole Foods earlier today. Already bustling around the flower district hunting the perfect peony, I forgot that my husband Steven's business partner, Mark Wholman is joining us, yes the whole team, with kids in tow, for a light late summer meal. Of course I'm excited for them winning their recent business pitch-I just hope Crate and Barrel delivers the Mundial Tile Ramekin in time for the Greek Kasha Salad I have prepared, just for the adults of course! Now here I stand, all 5'5" of me in a loose bun and Ann Taylor separates trying to crawl into the mini sized brains of my two children, Max and Zoe. Like the day someone accidentally created an Arnold Palmer ALPESTO was born! I shuttled all the goodies in my canvas tote to the labratory-a.k.a our kitchen, and began the magic! While mixing and tossing the creamy contents of the Paul Newmans Alfredo and the fresh pesto into a concoction sure to delight-I debated if the name should Pestfredo instead, but Alpesto just rolled off the tongue.
There we all were around the earthen dinner ware at the edge of my new discovery. The plates were passed to the guinea pigs, and drum roll please....they didn't notice! Hallelujia! Their finnicky little stabs at the pasta pile resulted in a 3/4 empty plate-SUCCESS!
No comment is a good comment in my book. Of course Steven laughed at my attempt to be creative and moved the peony arrangement to the other room as he was afraid Mark would be allergic or block his view to him across the table. Finally silenced by the table tennis discusssion of how Steve and Mark nailed the client to the table and bled them of all their worth-"where do you think the mortgage comes from honey?," I could relax, recounting the morning and how with a little extra cash, the day goes pretty smoothly I must say. Ciao!
-Janet

"Grreat, ok now a little more action in the hip...excellent. This is the shot!"

just for fun-Rylan

Mom, Dad....I have something to tell you

Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you. Please sit down on the stilleto chair. First, may I refresh your Tequila Slammers? Oops, sorry Mom I got a little on your Elvis slipper...let me get that, hand me one of them playboy cocktail napkins from the holder shaped like two stags in mid fight...thanks Dad.
All these years you've been so good to me. This gorgeous Classic Redman mobile home from Factory Expo, overlooking the new mall. It's fantastic at night, with all the lights, and our cookouts...I know, I know its just mom bringing things back and forth from the microwave to us out there in the front, but it's nice. And geez, Dad you borrowed so many cars from the guys around the neighborhood to drive me back and forth to tap and jazz, and movement class and ribbon twirl...you're a trooper. And Mom, no matter how late you got back from a gig you always came in my room to re-apply my cherry chapstick, you're an angel.
We have so many memories together. Remember when I would go postering for your shows, those long cold blistering winds along the highway, the heavy staple gun pressing it with all my 8 year old might against the telephone poles. Some nights no one would show up at Dusty's Den and you would sing for me at the front table with my Junior Whopper and hot cocoa. There was even that night we all got stuck at Dusty's overnight...wow what a memory.
Ok I know, I'm going on a tangent...what I wanted to tell you...is that I've decided to accept the scholarship to Wharton Business School and GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU HORRID DUET OF...MONSTERS!!!!!!! YOU FUCKED UP MY WHOLE FUCKING CHILDHOOD....I'M OUTTA HERE...OH AND...YOUR ALBUM....SUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKSSSSSSSSSSS ASSSSSSSSSS
sLAMMMMMM doooooorrrrrr, door doesn't close and slaps back open on it's rusty hinges...carefully close...latch...FUCK YOU!!!!

(I love my parents. -Rylan)

Show Your Love

I fucking love my family, y'all. I love it so much that we constantly have to dress like each other. I see these other jerk families walking around and not wearing matching outfits. You know what I think of them? Fucking communists. Call up the McCarthy commission cause a big fat boat of Reds just moved into the neighborhood. When my son Wrigley and I go to the beach, we like to pull out the tie dye. Just a fact. Maybe we'll start up a game of beach volleyball and talk about his dad's new girlfriend or whatever. Because, the whole beach can see what a close family of two we are. We don't need a dad. Right, Wrigley? I mean, who would want a dad who thinks it's "OK" to screw the girl (who just sold him Meineke brake pads) in the back of our Subaru Outback -- which we haven't finished paying off, by the by. A dad who thinks it's "just fine" to get hooked on meth and sell your tin toy collection, which was left to you by your grandfather before he died in that plane crash off the coast of East Moriches? A dad who thinks it's "no big deal" to push over tombstones in the Jewish cemetery. Wrigley, why do you keep bringing up your father when we are having the goddamn time of our lives, just chilling on the mother fucking beach in our shit rad matching tie dye?! Why, Wrigley?

The lesson here is: shop at Matcheez -- where great families dress alike! Best, Meg

woah...the BALLS!

This Times article commenting on the Indian Vogue spread, which mixes high end luxury with abject poverty, has me cancelling like 50 photoshoots I had planned this year. Fuck, what the hell am I going to say to Pichu! He told his foreman he couldn't work the 22 hour shift on September 16th. He's supposed to meet me over lattes in the highly secured shopping mall in Tupiza, Bolivia to review possible facial expressions he could use in our "Eat the Dirt out of my Jimmy Choo's" expose. Yeah and try and cancel a flight to Sudan carrying a hummer and 30 mink coats in 48 hours...fuck that shit. I'm sick of these whiny bitches RUINING it for us. Genius is offensive, get use to it. Maybe that they are faced with thier own heinous acts of fashion CRIMES is what this is truly about. Now order me 10 of those Fendi bibs-I have to go to the New York Times....wahhhhh.

I'm a Big Sap

You take New York City, a bunch of movie stars, all around good looking people, a Feist song, a Regina Spektor song, a Mika song, dancing, kissing, laughing, guys pushing girls in prom dresses in wheelchairs, old people romance, people opening doors and being surprised what's on the other side, people loving New York and talking about how much they love it, people looking longingly at each other, dreamy musings, Cloris Leachman, that effect where one person stands still while everyone else is moving really fast around them, Tavern on the Green, wedding dresses, and Coney Island --- brother, you have the most perfect trailer for a movie in the world. I'm so easily led.

The lesson is: who's gonna see "New York, I Love You" with me? Best, Meg